Pg1 – I think the page shows promise, but the set-up came off as a little flat. It’s the same device as the beginning of Romancing the Stone, without the zip and emotion. Keep at it, though, because I think you could really make this something. The idea of getting a letter about a bequest from some long lost relative is a good one. I wouldn’t know for sure without reading more, but maybe you could skip ahead and have her reflect on the lawyer letter and her writerly deadlines as she’s getting ready to leave for Ireland.

Pg2 – Very good, but it reminds me of the opening to Jeaniene Frost’s Night Huntress Series, only with demons instead of vampires. Not a bad thing, btw, just an observation. You might need to find a way to distance your writing from hers, though. Having said that, there’s very little else I can find in this passage. I’d add another ‘demon’ to the ‘here demon demon’. Good job. This sounds like something I’d buy, so I’ll be waiting impatiently to see it in print. =o)

Hope that helps. If either writer has any questions about what I’ve said, they can email me through the link on my blog.

Thanks again for doing this, Karin. You’re a peach.

Page one: I do like the way it starts, but like the others have commented, it’s been done before. I felt there was a little repetition that could be tightened or deleted. I love JJ, in fact, I love reading about animals in stories as they bring there own personalities (Mister in the Dresden books by Jim Butcher comes to mind–cause I’m currently reading one). I think JJ has more personality than the reader is privy to at this point. Does he butt against her legs? Or try to climb her leg because she’s ignoring him? I’d read on.

Page two: Can’t comment since it’s mine. But thank you all for your insight. I’ve beens struggling with writing for the past few months (haven’t we all!) and wondered if I should keep at it or not.
–and Edie: I stared at that darn sentence for five minutes trying to figure out what was wrong with it! Now, I know. Thanks, hon!

Holding her tighter over him and closing his eyes he breathed in her scent. He loved her…all of her. As urgency washed over them and fearing this bliss ending too quickly he whispered, “slower love; we have all night…” He wanted to savor this. She gripped him tighter as a deep-throated cry left her lips urging him to…

>>The entire snippet of the love scene she’s writing doesn’t really grab me.
1st sentence, comma after ‘eyes’. Third sentence comma after ‘quickly’.

RING!!!

She got up from her writing desk and made her way to the door. “I have a deadline, I don’t need these distractions now.”

I think this entire section could benefit from some scene setting and a lot of PUNCH. Make us feel the author’s frustration at being interrupted–surely you can relate

“Ms. Serena Foster?”

Again try to set the scene a little…who is at the door? What season is it? what time of day is it? Has she been lost in her writing for hours? Is this her regular fedex/ups/usps dude? Are they on a first name basis? Is she thinking, “Damn it’s spring and I”m missing a lovely day for this freaking deadline???”

I’m not saying you need ALL These things but I definitely vote for fleshing out some of the details.
“Yes?”

“Sign here please.” Signing the clip board she smiled politely at the messenger before closing the front door. The envelope was from Dublin, Ireland.

Overall I’d vote for punching this up quite a bit.

I remember the first paragraph on this from Lori Brighton’s first paragraph contest.

It has an strong and immediate sense of characterization, setting and action which drew me in quickly.

Loved the Here demon, demon–for some reason I keep wanting to add a third demon to that, maybe because I associate calling a kitty with three. You know, here kitty, kitty, kitty. Personally, there is only one thing I’d consider taking out, and that’s the bit right after the here demon, demon where you have the thought crossing her mind. I’d keep the sloppy grin, but take the thought crossed her mind out. That came off as unnecessary to me.

But other than that, I loved this opening and would have kept reading.

love, Love, LOVE the cat.

I really love animals in books, lol–that alone would keep me reading.

What can I say? This is excellent! I like the fact that we’re just plunked down in media res—it’s effortless. We have a character who thinks ahead and tells us volumes about herself through her actions and thoughts. She knows stuff, and we rely on her as the narrator who will eventually let us in on the secret. The descriptions are evocative. Maybe there’s one two many repeats of the drunk act–I’d take out the clause, “Not that I needed to catch my balance, but” –it’s a redundancy. You kept me reading every word, wanting to see what would happen. Do that for a whole book, and that’s about as good as it gets.